More spring break

We all have our own eccentricities that we must feed. Problems may arise when you have your own and then happen to include another's. My law school classmate floated the idea of Spring Break spent in Thailand a couple of months ago. At first it was a far fetched plan, but when he found cheap plane tickets, it didn't seem so eccentric or far-fetched. Two tailored suits, 7 tailored and fitted formal shirts, 20 DVDs (he bought 200), twenty cotton linen shirts, a bedspread, a lamp, four Lacoste imitation shirts, three cheap brandname blackmarket purses, two similar wallets (Versace, Mulberry?, and some other unreasonably expensive name) a watch, and assorted gifts for the family, 9 massages, five nights at a four star hotel, a four island snorkeling tour of beautiful beaches and coral reefs (including those seen on the movies "the man with the Golden Gun" and "the beach"), three nights at Thai clubs, 10 total days with only 7 nights sleep, and 34 hours on a plane later, spring break edges into the realm of the eccentric and excessive. But man was it fun.

I met Chinese, Thai, Cambodians, Burmese, Balese, Australians, Vietnamese, Napalese, Swedish, Norwegians, Swiss, Germans, Russians and Indians but no Americans in Phuket; where we spent most of our time. That is the first thing you'll notice. No Americans. Americans haven't really discovered Thailand like everyone else. Everything is in English, everything is beautiful and super cheap ($3 full meals, $8 hotels--$23 four star hotels, three dollar shirts, $4 massages etc) and nothing is American. And Bangkok's skyscrapers look more groovy than their American counterparts. We stayed primarily at Kata beach on a beachfront hotel that served martinis at the pool ...and banana shakes.

On the trip over we had a day layover in Taiwan (formerly called the ilha Formosa or beautiful island by Portuguese explorers--a shout out para aquela outra ilha beleza no Brasil: Florianopolis). I went down to Taichung where some family friends have been serving an LDS mission for the past year and a half. For those of you that don't know me very well, my little bro is also currently serving there in Taiwan as well (read more about LDS missions here). I awoke at 5:30 and went to explore before my hosts woke up. It is an art how the Taiwanese stack people upon people in buildings, a living artiface of planned chaos lined with streets that are designed like ours here in the US but are lined with small businesses (Costco and WalMart have yet to cross the Pacific). I visited with them and they showed me around a bit. I saw a Confucian temple. As well as some Buddhist ones. Ate a Chinese breakfast at a street vendor and saw even more motor scooters than they have in Rome, which is to say a lot. I was going to buy some unfamiliar fruit, but as I perused I happened to see a street dog peeing upon a box full of oranges under one of the stand's tables. ummm.... I thought to myself that I'd pass on the street vendor fruit, thanks.

Thailand in general
You can lay on a beautiful soft beach, scorch your back your second day out while snorkeling, go to clubs, shop the cheap markets, ride an elephant, rent a scooter and circle the island...no real traffic rules, just survival. Or you can go out on cheap diving or snorkeling trips to neighboring islands. You can get a suit custom made from the fabric up for $80 (or if you are less savvy and your name is mine you can get one for $120).

You can hit on Russian girls who don't know enough English to recognize when you've said something entirely stupid, or Swiss ones who know English really well but have no idea that one in your party speaks fluent German so they look stupid when they talk about you in German.
You might want to visit the temples but not for very long because that get boring really quickly.

Thai massages 'yu wont hoppi ending?'
Thai massages are cheap, and there are massage parlors everywhere. Some parlors are more authentic to the Thai massage than others. While many persons may wax wise upon the massage's healing virtues and soulful replenishment, in practice, on the streets of Thailand, they are easily confused with other, more sensual encounters. You gotta be careful, because when you are a young white single tourist, the Thai girls might get the wrong idea...and what isn't usually for sale here is one of Thailand's most famous and plentiful exports: Sex. In the middle of your Thai massage, if she pours oil on you, you are no longer getting a Thai massage my friend, you are getting what we in law school call an offer; specifically ,an offer for performance. She'll usually say something unintelligible in broken English and then name a price, like 600 Baht. (abou $15). When you say no, they think you are bargaining so they say something like "Ok, yu nice-a looking und I give yu special price 400 baht. Then you say no thanks, just a message. To which she replies, Ok, for you cheapest price, 300. Now, here is the kicker; when you say no again, they get mad, like you rejected them and don't like them or something. But if you say yes you'll get a hoppi ending. So I tried to explain that I've got this girlfriend back home and we're gonna get married and have twelve kids or something; but it doesn't faze them; they just ask: "she here?" I say no, she's back in California; they just look at me like.."So? What's the big deal?" So make-believe girlfriends won't be a good enough excuse. You gotta be rude.
The only way to avoid it is to go to older ladies. Needless to say, my last masseuse was probably around 55 years old. I'm not a big fan of happy endings, thanks.

Prostitution in Thailand
Basically, every girl that lets you talk to her selling something. I overgeneralize a bit. But in tourist areas it is true. They are either selling t-shirts or sex. I don't say this condescendingly. That is just the way it is for tourists. They expect that many people are there to find girlfriends. And many girls support their families this way. We only found four Thai girls our age that didn't expect us to pay them for hanging out with us and having sex. Those girls were pretty cool though.I'm not gonna lie, but I'm not a big fan of prostitution at all. There are the obvious reasons so I won't go into them. Thailand is big in the sex-slave, child prostitution/pornography market. I'm not a fan. It's too bad that is what Thailand is known for, because otherwise it is a paradise.