Oh what a difference 10 years can make. This year heralds an end spring breaking.
10 years to the month, I took my first real spring break vacation. Less 4 years spent lacrossing during Spring Break at BYU, I have had 5 spring break vacations. It has been a good run. Most memorable among those would be the trip to Brazil with Mom in 2005 or
Thailand in 2006 (see other archived post).
Ten years ago this month , I was a senior at Logan High School and searching out a new college during Spring Break. Morris Poole, Max Crookston and I all packed into Morris’ black Pontiac Grand Prix Executive Edition (‘Executive Edition’—meaning the radio controls were located on the steering wheel, something which was, of course, way ahead of its time and caused ceaseless radio station surfing) and drove to Los Angeles. Morris and I had both been accepted to USC and were going to check it out through USC’s orientation/recruitment host program. In the glow of our naïve youth, LA seemed like a really exciting roadtrip…today I try and avoid it and consider it as near to a failed megatropolis as the U.S. has. But back in the day an LA adventure seemed to be the ultimate adventure as we rolled to the storied home of the country’s top college basketball (UCLA) and football (USC) programs. The home of unrepentant egomaniatic holly-woodies and home to some of the U.S.A’s most respected gangsta-rappas.
On that trip we learned:
-A black 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix (Executive Edition) can reach a maximum of 138 mph at approximately 3,000 ft. above sea level in 90 F desert climate. (I assume the non-executive addition only does 137mph.)
1-A black 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix (Executive Edition) demonstrates exhilarating handling when dodging oncoming semi-trucks during ill-considered passing attempts.
2-A black 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix (Executive Edition)’s seat will make a distinctive spot indicating that a passenger has wet his pants when dodging oncoming semi-trucks during ill-considered passing attempts.
3-An errant exit into Compton at dusk by three 17 year old Cache Valley boys in a 1994 Pontiac Grand Prix (Executive Edition) with Utah plates will get you a prompt personal police escort back to the freeway.
4- Razorwire, previously thought to be available only to U.S. government installations, is also available in bulk behind your local Compton 7-Elevens and Burger Kings.
5-USC student hosts are carefully vetted, hand selected students meant to show a prospective student all of the academic and social opportunities USC has to offer…
-Morris’ host applied his excellent notes in Chemestry to create a meth-lab from a shower (genius!).
-Mine left me alone for an hour in a girl’s dormroom who definitely knew not only the birds and the bees, but all of the animals in the kama sutra phylum as well…
- Further, when asked if there was anything to do on a Friday night that didn’t in alcohol…my host said, and I quote: “ Well, we could just go grab some snacks and beer at the 7-11 and bring them back to the dorm and play playstation tonight”—a moronic reply for various reasons.
6- On the afternoon of March 20th 1998, the Pacific Ocean off of Redondo Beach is colder than Bear Lake.
7- Three teenagers who drove 900 miles for spring break don’t care how cold the water is…to the amazement of every passing LA-lian.
8-The most innings without a run in Dodger stadium occurred in March of 1998. (answer 11).
9 - Most innings with the least amount of hits in Dodger stadium occurred in March of 1998. (answer 2).
10 - In spite of the miraculously low amount of hits, no no-hitters were pitched in Dodger Stadium in March of 1998.
11-In March of 1998, Morris Louis Poole first walked along Hollywood Boulevard, the same place that, some 4 years laterin 2002, he and Sam would meet Cloe, the handsomely endowed Playboy Channel playmate who, on camera would ask Morris how many times he had engaged in anal sex. Morris, plainly wearing his BYU lacrosse warm-up, would reply (on camera):
“none”
Cloe; “What is your favorite position then?”
Morris, glancing helplessly at Sam would again reply “um…uh…none..uh I dunno, a normal I guess”
Cloe: “Where are you from?”
Morris, “uh Utah”.
Candy, Cloe’s playmate friend and co-interviewer: “Oh! So do you have sex?”
Morris, looking at Sam…pleading in his eyes (Sam is seen with wide grin off camera) “ Uh, no I don’t we don’t in our church…we wait until we are married”
Cloe, “YOU HAVENT EVER HAD SEX?”
Morris, “Uh, no.”
Cloe, busom steadily, hypnotically, heaving up and down in her breathless amazement, “Oh, he’s so cute! I could just take him home right now!”
Candy, “Me too”
Sam and Morris retreat quickly, walking away feeling violated and guiltily exhilarated at the same time, relaxing only when they realize that nobody at BYU would see this interview on Playboy TV (Or, at least, could admit to it).
12- Meeting girls in LA on spring break when you are 17 is much harder than it appears on TV shows and rap videos. (but not when you are 22 on Hollywood Blvd.)
Thus went Max, Morris and mine Spring Break LA in 1998. The experiences at USC convinced both Sam and Morris that perhaps they were not quite prepared to fall so far from their parents's nests…and after making the late decision against USC, ironic fate dealt us only one school whose admissions would still allow us to accept their acceptance…BYU. (Thus, proving that the crafty and often vindictive God of the old Testament was the same then, now and forever).
-Mine left me alone for an hour in a girl’s dormroom who definitely knew not only the birds and the bees, but all of the animals in the kama sutra phylum as well…
- Further, when asked if there was anything to do on a Friday night that didn’t in alcohol…my host said, and I quote: “ Well, we could just go grab some snacks and beer at the 7-11 and bring them back to the dorm and play playstation tonight”—a moronic reply for various reasons.
6- On the afternoon of March 20th 1998, the Pacific Ocean off of Redondo Beach is colder than Bear Lake.
7- Three teenagers who drove 900 miles for spring break don’t care how cold the water is…to the amazement of every passing LA-lian.
8-The most innings without a run in Dodger stadium occurred in March of 1998. (answer 11).
9 - Most innings with the least amount of hits in Dodger stadium occurred in March of 1998. (answer 2).
10 - In spite of the miraculously low amount of hits, no no-hitters were pitched in Dodger Stadium in March of 1998.
11-In March of 1998, Morris Louis Poole first walked along Hollywood Boulevard, the same place that, some 4 years laterin 2002, he and Sam would meet Cloe, the handsomely endowed Playboy Channel playmate who, on camera would ask Morris how many times he had engaged in anal sex. Morris, plainly wearing his BYU lacrosse warm-up, would reply (on camera):
“none”
Cloe; “What is your favorite position then?”
Morris, glancing helplessly at Sam would again reply “um…uh…none..uh I dunno, a normal I guess”
Cloe: “Where are you from?”
Morris, “uh Utah”.
Candy, Cloe’s playmate friend and co-interviewer: “Oh! So do you have sex?”
Morris, looking at Sam…pleading in his eyes (Sam is seen with wide grin off camera) “ Uh, no I don’t we don’t in our church…we wait until we are married”
Cloe, “YOU HAVENT EVER HAD SEX?”
Morris, “Uh, no.”
Cloe, busom steadily, hypnotically, heaving up and down in her breathless amazement, “Oh, he’s so cute! I could just take him home right now!”
Candy, “Me too”
Sam and Morris retreat quickly, walking away feeling violated and guiltily exhilarated at the same time, relaxing only when they realize that nobody at BYU would see this interview on Playboy TV (Or, at least, could admit to it).
12- Meeting girls in LA on spring break when you are 17 is much harder than it appears on TV shows and rap videos. (but not when you are 22 on Hollywood Blvd.)
Thus went Max, Morris and mine Spring Break LA in 1998. The experiences at USC convinced both Sam and Morris that perhaps they were not quite prepared to fall so far from their parents's nests…and after making the late decision against USC, ironic fate dealt us only one school whose admissions would still allow us to accept their acceptance…BYU. (Thus, proving that the crafty and often vindictive God of the old Testament was the same then, now and forever).
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